Practicing "audacious enough-ness" to overcome impostor syndrome
Getting real about my personal writing block, confronting myself, moving through the mess, and remembering to lean into pagpapakapal ng mukha
Hi, friends.
When I go a month without writing a new post here on Pagbubuo, it likely means at least one of two things:
I’ve been really busy or without the capacity to sit down and really do some personal writing.
I’m overthinking my writing.
In this case, I’d like to say it’s a bit of both, but if I’m being really honest with myself, it’s really the latter. 😅
At an Ugnayan Tambayan, one of our regulars (hi, Charles) shared about the struggle in journaling the Ugnayan prompts vs. talking about them with friends. From that conversation, I took that writing is confrontational. And I can’t disagree.
Each time I publish a post, yes, there is vulnerability in putting one’s self out there, which usually requires some self-affirmation that I’m worthy of taking up space. But before that is the confrontation with one’s self through writing.
In this post, I share three phases in my self-confrontation: the reality (acknowledging the block), the conflict (connecting with the gatekeeper), and the compromise (leaning into audacious enough-ness a.k.a. kapal ng mukha). Flow through with me?
Acknowledging the block
I feel like I’ve been in a personal creative slump lately. It’s not a constant feeling. It comes in waves.
Why do I say that I feel like I’m in a creative slump?
I haven’t been writing as much on the Pagbubuo Substack, and I suppose my ability to share personal thoughts here is a personal measuring stick for creative flow.
Reconnecting with my creative self, along with arts for wellbeing have been pinned on my board as posts to write about here, and I guess what’s been hard is answering the voice that questions “who am I to write about this?”
This is strange to write or admit to myself given all the creating I’ve been doing in different spaces recently. I have been pursuing more personal creative practice things in the past couple of months than I have in the past couple of years. Since July, I took pottery classes, djembe lessons, returning to journaling and movement, writing Ugnayan newsletters, learning Expressive Arts Facilitation with TAHI.
I’ve also been engaging with a lot of communal creation things in September alone — like co-designing a solidarity workshop with Good Food Community, hosting an improv cooking session with my likha ginhawa women’s circle, and organizing Loob, Likha, Laya (Ugnayan’s recent tambayan on creative activism, for which we also created a smol zine).
In so many ways, I know that I’m creative, and that we all have the capacity, right, and need to create. When I look at that list, it feels like I have a lot of things going on, with a rich diversity of creative expressions (with co-creating experiences clearly taking the lead).
So what needs to happen for me to really claim my creativity?
Connecting with the gatekeeper
The creative practices I’ve been engaging in are part of my practice of resisting the gatekeeping of creativity, especially for the gatekeeper that resides in me.
The creative practices I’ve been engaging in are part of my practice of accepting the house elf inside me that seeks to play and create.1 I want to remind this gatekeeper that the house elf wants to be free, even if it is a bit wonky and odd-looking. 😅
“Art” and “creativity have been so essential in my own life, and in the lives of those I’ve worked or collaborated with over the years — as tools for wellbeing and movement-building. I’d like to think that in different ways over the years, I’ve created spaces for people to make that connection.2
The intentional messes I make and purposeful play I engage in through different creative modalities or expressions is a way of desensitizing myself to mistakes. (See related post below.)3
I could also say that these are ways of increasing my sensitivity to or attuning more deeply with my authentic self.
“What are you afraid of,” I ask the gatekeeper in me.
Change is scary. Vulnerability is scary. But most of all, having no excuse not to create is scary. When we are holding onto nothing, we can reach for anything. And I suppose in some ways, we’re all a little afraid of what we could be.
Audacious enough-ness = Kapal ng mukha
Who is “creative”? Who am I to create?
Who am I not to? Again, I believe that we are all creative, resourceful and whole. We have an inherent need to create — to exert our agency; the audacity to design and shape our inner and outer worlds — a message I need to constantly remind myself and embody.
In the moments when I struggle with these feelings of impostor-ness, listening to something I said on a good day helps. And as cringe as I feel seeing myself on video, I have to admit that Kookie and I do share some nice nuggets of wisdom and encouragement in the video below produced by Common Room to share our story with Ugnayan Cards.
Coming out with Ugnayan has been a real exercise of SBSS — sobrang bilib sa sarili (yes, a very tita term lang that I often say to Kookie when I feel great pride and joy in something I / we’ve created). Entering Ugnayan into the Good Design Awards was also really a practice in pagpapakapal ng mukha.
I’m reminded that the slump days are simply moments that come and go, and we just need to show up and “upuan mo lang”. I trust that the practice of befriending my inner gatekeeper, and showing up for the odd, creative house elf in me is enough.
What helps re-spark my creative energy?
Moving. Going for walkies. Biking. Swimming. A random Classpass Class.
Creating. Art dates without an end in mind. Alone or with others.
Being inspired by other creators. Going to art fairs. Attending events. Reading other people’s work.4
We might sometimes see creative works out there and think: “Kaya ko rin yan.”
Without any tonality, you can take that statement two ways:
It can read more harshly like: “Wow, pangit naman niyan. Kapal ng mukha. Kahit ako kaya ko yan.”
Or more generously like: “Lakas at tibay ng loob. Kapal ng mukha. Kaya ko rin yan.”
If I take a moment to think about how I feel when I see this or that art or craft, it’s probably less about the art itself, and more about my own feelings about my own creativity.
It’s less about being better than that other person than it is about being reminded that someone just had to be audacious enough to put themselves out there.
Enough-ness is compromise between who we are now and who we want to be. It is an ugly, delicious meal. It will not make cover photo but it can bring a smile, a sigh, a tear, a moment of connection. It could be better, for sure, as most things could be. But it does not seek perfection. It seeks to be seen and heard without being attached to validation. It seeks to put itself out there even if it isn’t sought out because it believes that it is worthy of time, space and existence. It is good for now. It will do for now. Pwede na ang pwede na. It is trusting that creating inspires more creating in the creator and the observer. And that is enough for now.
As I end this post, I leave you with some questions for reflection as usual:
What thoughts do you struggle with when it comes to your creativity?
What helps get you out of your head and into the flow of creating?
What’s your relationship like with your inner gatekeeper? And with your creative house elf?
What would it look like for you to be creatively “enough”?
What is a “kapal ng mukha” challenge you could give yourself? What would you be audacious enough to create if you just had to do “enough”?
Ok, that’s enough. 😄
Writing this post has been really helpful in unblocking me, and maybe it will help you too.
If you think the post sucked, I’m sure you could do better.
Go create something now. 😉
Until the next thing,
Jen
My reference for the inner house elf is from Liz Gilbert’s TED Talk on your elusive creative genius.
Check out The Creative Trek by my Ugnayan co-creator, Kookie!